Yo Google, What’s Going Down in my Town?

I currently work as an SEO, which is the best job ever because I get to work with the internet which is the second greatest invention of all time (first greatest invention is the printing press). I have a dog named Carl. He has a huge head in comparison to his body but is super cute. In my spare time, I like to play rugby because I get to tackle people and not get charged with assault. When I'm not hibernating and shoving my face with cake, I like to hit the weights at the gym--you never know when you're going to have to push a giant boulder off your body or fight off a shark--so it's good to be prepared.